One thing I read long ago in the stepmother literature was a suggestion to establish traditions with your stepchild(ren) in your new family constellation. In those early years, that sounded like a lot of work and a set up for rejection so I shied away from that strategy.
Now, looking back, I can see my family has plenty of traditions. The traditions we keep going were originally little things and they started themselves, almost without us trying. We made a few guesses about what might be fun and paid attention to whether the kids liked it and we liked it. We made sure to repeat the successful things and the rest is history. No one got involved in an elaborate planning of activities and timing and calendars.
Three traditions I can think of immediately in my family are the annual crab feed, the block party breakfast, and the back-to-school shopping.
Desperate to have a smooth dinner with the kids the first year I was around for the Christmas holidays, my husband and I decided on a crab dinner. Nothing fancy. Five people, five Dungeness crabs, five tubes of Ritz crackers, and five bottles of cocktail sauce. I honestly don’t think there was anything else on the table that first year. We dug in and made an enormous mess and shared the one thing we all had in common, a love of Pacific Northwest seafood.
We repeat that tradition every year now, quite willingly, and even if we have to shift the day around, we sit down and eat crab.
Also in the first year of my life with husband and his kids, I made a deal with one of my stepsons. It was the morning of our annual block party and I knew the day would be filled with juice and desserts and ice cream and who knows what else. My husband and I didn’t want to constantly be checking with him but we were very interested that he have good nutrition, so I made him a deal.
If he ate a fried egg sandwich for breakfast, he could eat whatever else he wanted all day, no questions asked. I used the best bread I could find, wheat with nuts and seeds, and two eggs so he’d have a good dose of protein with complete nutrition. I lightly toasted the bread with instructions from him about just how he liked it.
Huge hit. That’s been our deal ever since and this year was no different. It’s our standby even now that he doesn’t sleep at our house.
Also, this year, I took one of the kids on our 6th or 7th annual back-to-school shopping trip. Like always, we made a plan about what he needed and got very strategic about getting as much value as we could for the money we spent. We even commented this year how neat it was to look back and see what priorities had shifted and how the items we were looking for had changed. Those shopping trips weren’t really planned in the beginning, they just happened. I invited my other stepkids to go back-to-school shopping also, but we never got into a pattern and it’s not a tradition with them.
The smallest things can become a tradition. Things that don’t seem like a big deal at the time. Where the dog lies when everyone goes to bed. What the menu is on a special occasion. Who sits where at the dinner table. And, a fried egg sandwich on a summer day.
I like knowing that I’m taking part in a ritual that wasn’t created on purpose, but one that sprouted and grew from the circumstances that surrounded it.
Lasting traditions will evolve and you won’t even know you were there at the beginning until you hear the clamor . . . but it’s tradition!